My kind of cooking involves heavy tools. Give me a chainsaw, axe, and wood splitter and I’m ready to cook. My good friend Joel Smith suggested I try a trash can turkey. A quick search of the internet and I found all I needed to know… this method involved a metal trash can, sledge hammer, shovel, and wooden stake. Immediately hooked, I convinced my mother (convinced is way overstating it) to let me cook our Thanksgiving turkey in a trash can.
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Here are the steps: (more…)
There a few phrases I use almost like mantras with my daughters. One I find using more and more is “lower your expectations without lowering your standards.” It’s a phrase born in a desperate discussion with my oldest when one of her friends had been caught drinking. The choices were to break-up with her friend or lower her expectations and maintain an influence.
The message is this, we can’t expect perfection from our friends. The trick is to not give into the temptation to join them in their poor choices. We have been called to be merciful and in doing so extend the influence of the gospel.
Some parents will not trust their children to not give in to temptation. My experience (after 19 years) is the exact opposite. When our children are empowered with permission to extend mercy they become stronger in their own standards.
The mantra: you sometimes have to “lower your expectations without lowering your standards.”
I have to ask….Why?
As a father of two teenage daughters I frequently hear their friends and them state somthing akin to “I just want to do something to be famous..” I cringe every time I hear it because they envision a life of glitz, glamour, and glory….I see a life of discontent, decadence, and diversions.
Jesus was arguably the most famous person to live; almost 2000 years later his name is known throughout the world. We celebrate holidays dedicated to his life and death (and ressurection). Fame itself is not the problem, it’s how we get there lately that’s wrong.
Too many young people are striving for fame for fame’s sake alone. Fame for fame’s sake guaruntees one to never be content with enough fame. I’m convinced the famous will not be through seeking until they pass that one in front of them with more album sales, more money per movie, the most awards, wins….
Fame by the worlds standards, especially by United States standards is rooted in decadence. We have young ladies famous only for the devience they gained attention for. They’ve reached a goal, but at what cost? With the exception of very few who obtained fame through a narrow business or humanitarian niche the cost to the individual and our culture is just too high. (more…)
Arrogant [Eloquent] lips are unsuited to a fool
how much worse lying lips to a ruler! Proverbs 17:5-7 (NIV)
Truthfulness is an elusive habit for leaders. We are assaulted daily by situations that beg for lies, half-truths, misinformation, deception, and withholding. These situations arise at work from difficult communication, positions of disadvantage to us, and fear of retribution. Within our families they arise from personal pride toward spouses, fear of children’s actions, and discomfort with admitting to wrong actions.
The mad boss asks, “Who made this decision?”
The Christian brother states, “I’m only flirting with her, I can control it.”
The inefficient employee asks, “Am I doing ok working for you?”
The spouse demands, “Where did all of our money go?”
Your child asks, “Where do babies come from?”
A Christian Leader’s response:
1. Just tell it. The benefits of truthfulness outweigh the costs in the long run as your boss learns to appreciates your trust and candor, your spouse loves the open communication, and your children model. Warning, blunt truthfulness will mark you as a jerk and harm your ability to influence. Use gentleness and patience to form your communication in a way that creates an environment of appreciation.
2. Demand it in return. My initial briefing to new employees has always included the requirement of truth. My nature I am a trusting person, tell me something and I take it to the bank until that something is proven false. Once you lose my trust it’s hard to get it back. My daughters were raised with the same requirement. I marvel at parents who severely discipline children based on honest disclosure. Since birth we have demanded truth and lessened discipline with it. The result, open communication… something seemingly rare in today’s youth.
To be persuasive we must be believable; to be believable we must be credible; credible we must be truthful. Edward R. Murrow
It’s usually a truck or sometimes an older car. The inside of the vehicles are decorated with a mixture of ironic photographs and/or action figures. The drivers are the same mixture of common individuality, sporting spotty facial hair, trendy clothing (or sloppy), and a forced expression of interest. And I’m supposed to be good with placing one of my prized possessions into their care.
If you’re the father of teenage girls you are familiar with the struggle, if your daughters are too young to date you will be familiar. The struggle we all face is how to balance the inevitability of dating with the honest desire to never let your precious girl out of the house…ever. My solution: the boyfriend driving test.
Before a new boy can take responsibility for my daughter’s safety they must pass a no kiddin’ driver’s test during which the boy and I (alone) drive a test route complete with turns, merges, highway driving, and attention tests. The driving is really a secondary goal, primarily the test accomplishes several, things chief among them: let the boy know who i am (I’m pretty big but that doesn’t matter), that I care deeply for my daughters, and to give me a platform for “the talk.” The driver test goes down like this:
“[Boy] I want you to know something, my daughter is precious to me, I take great pride in her and her safety. Throughout her life I have taken the awesome responsibility for her safety very seriously. When you pick her up I am transferring that responsibility temporarily to you, I expect you to take the responsibility as seriously as I do. If you’re thinking you have to do something to impress her stop that thinking, she is already impressed or she wouldn’t have agreed to a date. There is no need to speed, peel out, or take curves too fast. Most people like to go the speed limit plus 5 mph because the police give a cushion…I expect the opposite, drive 2-5 mph UNDER the speed limit.
You will tell me where you are going and what you are doing, if you deviate from your schedule I expect a call from you. You will return her to the house exactly on time unless you have to speed to get her there. If you will be late you will call and let me know, and I will give you a grace period so you do not have to speed to get her home.
[NOTE: The severity of this next part depends on how much of a jerk the boy seems to be] Should you not take your safety responsibility seriously and put my daughter at risk or God forbid hurt her, I will not be happy and you WILL suffer the wrath of my displeasure.”
I’ve never failed a boy during the driving test but have come close. My favorite statement during a test so far is, “My mom is very strict on my driving, this is only the third time she has let me drive on the highway alone.” These types of statements don’t inspire confidence, but with the right focus during “the talk” will help mitigate concerns, but they will never go away.
It’s important to note that my daughters say they hate the boyfriend driving test, but it’s apparent they love that I care enough to keep them safe. When a boy asks them out they know to inform them about the driving test. They have figured out that the ones who refuse to take it are not boy’s they want to be with…
Good luck and I will pray for you.
Go APE for your teamates [bosses, peers, subordinates]:
A – Acknowledgement. Make a big deal out of everything your teammates do good. They love acknowledgement. Show excitement, say their name, acknowledge even when you are the one who rightfully should be acknowledged.
P – Praise. You want to attack your teammates. Don’t just say nice things, attack, make a big deal about it. When you praise your teammates and tell them you love them they will do anything for you.
E – Encouragement. You have to be the first person to recognize someone who is struggling. You must tell them after a bad play [deal, work failure, etc] that they are a great player and you are going to give it to them on the next play to score.
The APE ratio is 6:1. Give someone six APEs and then give one suggestion and they will take it better.
My daughter attended an elite basketball camp this past summer. Last night she let me have a peek into her notes binder. I was impressed with the level of time and instruction given to training leadership to these athlete. The implication is they will be called on to influence their teammates and fans. The three aspects of leadership taught on day one:
1. Doing extra. If you want to be a leader, you must expect to do more
2. Energy. Transfer energy through enthusiasm and joy
3. Influence. lead others by being a servant
1. My daughters may not date until they’re married. So unless you are my son-in-law there is no need to read further.
2. Double dating is fine, just get with my wife and set a date when the four of us can go out.
3. If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up. NOTE: If you weave while you’re trying to get away there is a chance I will miss.
4. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them (by remove I mean sever).
5. I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
6. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: “early”
7. I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
8. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget it will distract me from cleaning by pistol. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my truck?
9. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Football games are okay. Old folk’s homes are better.
10. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a middle-aged (6’5”, 220 lb, Army officer, combat veteran) has-been to you, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and twenty acres behind the house.
11. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for an approaching car bomb in Baghdad. When my Anthrax starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the weapons as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, and then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.