1. My daughters may not date until they’re married. So unless you are my son-in-law there is no need to read further.
2. Double dating is fine, just get with my wife and set a date when the four of us can go out.
3. If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up. NOTE: If you weave while you’re trying to get away there is a chance I will miss.
4. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them (by remove I mean sever).
5. I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
6. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: “early”
7. I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
8. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget it will distract me from cleaning by pistol. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my truck?
9. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Football games are okay. Old folk’s homes are better.
10. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a middle-aged (6’5”, 220 lb, Army officer, combat veteran) has-been to you, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and twenty acres behind the house.
11. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for an approaching car bomb in Baghdad. When my Anthrax starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the weapons as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, and then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.